i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
