I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I need a beard to bite.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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