I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
