Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
