so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
