Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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