Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
