i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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