so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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