I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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