I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
