Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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