Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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