I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
