i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
