I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
