she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
