i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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