end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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