saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
