I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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