we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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