I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
