Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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