Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
