Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
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That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
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I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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