Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
