I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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