She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
