hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
