Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
