I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
