bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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