I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
