I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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