Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
why do cheetos always look like penises
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
