I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sobbing to NWA
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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