Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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