Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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