That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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