checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
