well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
