I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
