The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
