I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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