you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
