You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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