Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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