my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
