i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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