I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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