Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
