These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
