Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He passed out mid-signature
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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