I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
