I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
