Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
