New low: just hacked my moms facebook
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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