Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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