so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
